As I recently reached the milestone of turning 40, I find myself overwhelmed by a sense of loss rather than the excitement of being at the “midpoint” of my life. Throughout my 30s, I devoted my time to caring for my elderly parents while living in unstable shared accommodation. My experiences have been largely solitary, with only a few fleeting relationships. The pandemic took my mother, leaving my father—which I cherish deeply—now living in a different city and under the care of one of my siblings. Every visit reveals his increasing fragility, deepening my fear of losing him, especially since my job limits my ability to see him.
Professionally, I’m stuck in a junior position despite my age, and I have struggled to maintain friendships due to the vast differences in our life experiences. Compounding my feelings of despair is the ongoing bullying at work, transforming my daily life into a struggle where I’m unable to engage with the outside world, all while experiencing the heartache of being away from my father.
I often reflect on how I’ve invested so much into my family responsibilities that I’ve neglected to build my own life, including starting a family. As a heterosexual woman, I’m increasingly disillusioned by the limitations imposed by a patriarchal society, making the prospects of venturing into parenthood seem bleak, particularly now.
I yearn for significant changes in my life, yet I often feel too vulnerable to take the conventional advice of meeting new people, leaving me feeling isolated and fearful of further loss. I am reaching out for any advice that could help me navigate these challenges.
In response, Eleanor acknowledges the difficulty of feeling dissatisfied at this pivotal age. Many people face similar feelings of falling behind in various aspects of life, such as career, romance, and friendships. What’s comforting, however, is that your dedication to your family has provided moments of connection that many would envy, even amidst personal sacrifice.
Eleanor suggests that it may be beneficial to allow yourself to grieve the life you expected. Such admissions can help in sorting through feelings of disappointment. Instead of suppressing these emotions, acknowledging them could prove freeing.
Considering the stark choices you face, Eleanor presents two possible paths: change your circumstances or alter your reactions. But she emphasises the need for clarity regarding which approach you feel drawn to. Major changes, such as moving closer to your father or escaping a toxic work environment, may require significant effort, whereas managing your emotional responses may be a different approach altogether.
Ultimately, whether one addresses overwhelming feelings or works towards altering unsatisfactory circumstances, both paths will require courage and introspection. Through identifying which strategy resonates with you the most, you may find the path towards reclaiming your life.